Lyrics
[Intro]
Thank you for calling United Healthcare Solutions Plus. For English, press 1. For billing inquiries, press 2. To speak with a representative — please hold. Your estimated wait time is — forty — minutes. Your call is very important to us.
[Verse 1]
Six months ago I went to see a doctor for an hour,
now there's a bill on my counter with the weight of a tower,
called the number on the letterhead — a Tuesday afternoon,
pressed 1 for English, pressed 2 for billing, pressed 3 for "doom,"
transferred to Karen, Karen transferred me to Dave,
Dave said "this isn't my department" from the grave,
Dave transferred me to Claire, Claire put me on hold,
hold music was a flute and strings — strangely it was cold,
came back eighteen minutes later — "how can I help you today?"
explained the bill, the date, the procedure, the whole play,
she said "I'll need to verify — can I get your member ID?"
I gave the number — she said "sir that's not in our system, see,"
I said "I've had this plan for four years" — she said "let me check,"
another seven minutes — "sir your plan has a different spec,"
different spec — what does that mean — she couldn't really say,
"I'll escalate this to a specialist" — call dropped — have a great day,
[Chorus]
Press 1 if you're sick — (press 1)
Press 2 if you're broke — (press 2)
Press 3 if the system left you out in the cold — (press 3)
hold — (hold) — hold — (hold)
your call is important — (your call is nothing)
press 1 for English in the land of the free,
where the sickest go broke and the brokers go free,
press 1 — (press 1) — stay on the line —
press 1 for English — and wait to die
[Verse 2]
The prescription costs three hundred dollars — monthly — no debate,
doctor said I need it — insurance said "not covered, wait,"
wait for what? — "prior authorization" — sounds official right?
means a doctor asking another doctor if my doctor's right,
while I'm waiting for the fax — yes a fax in twenty-twenty-four —
the pharmacy says "still pending" — I've been pending for a month or more,
so I found a workaround — I found the hack, the trick —
cut the pill in half each morning — that's how I deal with sick,
the bottle says "do not divide" — but the bottle doesn't pay my rent,
and my body doesn't know the difference between full dose and "I can't afford to spend,"
went to the ER once for something I thought was small,
chest pain — turned out nothing — but they billed me for the hall,
billed me for the bed, the gown, the doctor, and the nurse,
billed me for the saline drip — billed me for the hearse —
not the hearse — they haven't gotten there — but give it time they will,
there's a payment plan available — only twenty years until it's nil,
[IVR Interlude]
We're sorry — your claim has been denied. Reason code: 4-7-B. Not medically necessary. To appeal this decision, please submit a written request within thirty days, including supporting documentation, a letter from your physician, and your firstborn child. To hear these options again — press 9. To speak with a representative — please hold. Your estimated wait time is — seventy — minutes.
[Verse 3]
Let me tell you about the man who skipped his insulin,
not because he wanted to — because the math kicked in,
three hundred dollars for the vial — he made four hundred a week —
rent was due, the lights were due, the car note was a streak,
so he rationed — half a dose — stretched the bottle thin —
you know how this ends — you've read this story — diabetic coma — him,
and they'll say "why didn't he get coverage" — he had coverage, man,
coverage with a deductible he couldn't meet — that's the plan,
coverage that covers you in theory — in the brochure — in the ad —
with the family on the lawn, the golden retriever, the dad —
but when you actually get sick, the coverage gets creative,
pre-existing, out-of-network, not-medically-imperative,
the CEO made twenty-three million dollars last year,
he has the best insurance policy in the hemisphere,
the board approved it unanimously — nobody said a word —
and forty percent of Americans skipped care because it hurt —
not physically — financially — the math was the pain —
held the symptom close and worked the shift — did it again,
[Chorus]
Press 1 if you're sick — (press 1)
Press 2 if you're broke — (press 2)
Press 3 if the system left you out in the cold — (press 3)
hold — (hold) — hold — (hold)
your call is important — (your call is nothing)
press 1 for English in the land of the free,
where the sickest go broke and the brokers go free,
press 1 — (press 1) — stay on the line —
press 1 for English — and wait to die
[Outro]
Thank you for your patience. We were unable to process your request at this time. Please try again. Or don't. Statistically — most don't. Have
